This is going to be long…

I had coffee with a friend, I said some things about how things had not worked out with my marriage, but God has that and He is my all in all and I’m trying to heal.

She talked about what she was doing in short term missions and the like.  I told her my heart how I had some false guilt over my daughter because I had gotten her some vaccines and I was afraid maybe my daughter’s autism was my fault. I was in mid sentence when she interrupted me and said. “I know we are only talking surface here, you are not talking about your heart.” I thought like a yell in my head,  “My heart is on this table right now in bite sized pieces because of false guilt and speculation about a few vaccines and I’m pouring out here and talking about my child who is in essence my heart… what in the world.” She went on “I remember what you said a few months ago about a PennDOT man being good looking that you saw working.” I laughed, thinking “She’s  been carrying that one sentence I said around for months and apparently forgot the rest of what I said after that one sentence.” I tried to say something deep even though it was not deep to me, I just happen to notice if a person holding a stop sign looks like Thor, personally I like the way Jamie Oliver looks better.  “Yeah I feel sometimes since things fell apart am I single or am I not and noticing someone was attractive reminded me of the question, am I single. I’m so busy with my kiddos and healing from this whole thing that it’s not really something I have time for, I’m definitely not looking for a relationship.” She said, “We need to get to the heart of this, women lust too, is there lust in your life.” I’m setting there confused because after all I’m human and perfectly normal. “Well I do think sometimes some guys are attractive, but that’s normal, I’m raising my kids, I like guys of course but I’m always relieved if they are unavailable because I don’t need that now, I’m trying to heal and find myself.” She asked  “What do you mean you are relieved , what makes you relieved?”

I’m beginning to feel interrogated at this point. “Well you know if someone’s married or young or old it’s good because  I can talk to them and not feel too terribly awkward because I’m not looking for a realationship, example,  like sometimes some of my Facebook friends  into C. S. Lewis message me that’s always nice.” “Men messaged you on Facebook”? She asked. “Yes, they  have a life it was C. S. lewis stuff, absolutely nothing. I would not take anyone’s time excessively that would be wrong. It was a few times with life questions that’s all. Seriously I’m not looking for a realationship with a guy, they were kinda young in their twenties”. She said”Sometimes a woman can lust or have a crush on a young guy”… she went on about lust a little bit and how she struggles with it and has crushes so she understands. I’m was sitting there thinking “This is unbelievable what is she doing, this is accusing and negative.”  I awkwardly said “There’s different kinds of crushes you know. I have no interest, I’m busy with kids and drawing closer to Jesus, I mean, I like guys they are people too, I grew up playing with the boys.” I thought,  “Therefore I see them as people not objects so what is she getting at?”  “What about your neighbor?” She asked. I laugh “Oh him, yeah he’s asked me out for a drink about six times, of course I say no because he obviously tries to hit on me. The great thing is I’m no more attracted to him than I am you. He’s married, no way, plus technically I’m married so there’s that, plus he’s a bit of a turn off at this point.” She says “Don’t talk to him. Do you talk to him?” Me- “I came home Sunday evening and he was on the edge of his yard so of course I talked to him, it was funny, we talked a little about what not and as I’m walking away he asked me out for drinks. He’ll never learn it’s  hysterical.”She questioned further “Does his wife know? ” Me- “Yeah I mentioned it to her, I avoid them, I’m nice but I distance myself a bit” She says “I think he’s trying to wear you down”. “There is nothing to wear down that is ridiculous  and even if I liked him that way I would not.” I retorted, offended at this point. She went on “I think you should talk to our pastor and his wife about lust and guys” I laughed out loud, “Nooo, hoho, I grew up playing with the boys, I’m attracted of course that’s normal, but I don’t consider that lust, obsessive thinking would be that, naturally during these questions  I’m overly  introspective and wondering if I’ve managed to nip all thoughts properly, and I’m not looking for a realationship if sometime years in the future I develope a friendship and after I become technically available and it’s turning into  something and I feel the need I might talk to them.” She said “I’m afraid someone will come and just sweep you of your feet romantically so you should talk to them before hand, before that happens.” It is getting ridiculous and pushy at this point, “Oh no I’m a careful person, I’m healing I’m trying to get over things I’m not jumping into anything, I’m raising kids.” I got up to leave and lightly said, “Haha since we have had this conversation/ interrogation I’ll probably meet someone.”

I went to Martin’s to pick up a few groceries and received a text from her… “I think I misunderstood you as you left. I thought u meant u would get together with another woman friend but u meant meet someone?  God will guide you as you seek Him first in all things.”

I than had to text back saying no I was not meeting a guy… at this point I thought, “Even if I was this is damned controlling you narcissistic nut job”, but I brushed it all off with a humorous text back and explained clearly no, not meeting a guy.

The worst thing about the whole  experience was that it gave me anxiety. It triggered feelings and emotions of when my husband would accuse me of meeting up with guys and not want me to go anywhere. More than that it acutely reminded me of how he would manipulate me spiritually and emotionally.

This is not my first confusion with her, she’s run me in circles before saying… and misunderstanding. If I try to further explain myself a crazy circle will start again and it will be negative and I will feel drained.

I’m done, been done almost a year, she might possibly  mean well but I’m done. I felt drained and it was negative and weird. When I told her about my feelings over the conversation/interrogation  she at one point retorted after apologizing profusely that she never said that I was looking for a relationship. My thought was and I didn’t voice it out loud “So you were just accusing me of plain old lust, how nice.”


7 thoughts on “My Brief Experience With “Accountability”

  1. As I was reading this, “psychological projection” kept coming to my mind. So I did a search on those two words and found an article on Wikipedia, called Psychological Projection, that explains it very well.

    Yes, I would be done, too. This woman probably does mean well, but what she is doing isn’t good for you or for her either, in my layman’s opinion.

    I found your blog because you liked one of my posts today. Thank you! I’m looking forward to reading more of your blog. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Yuck! Nothing worse than intrusive manipulation disguised as well-meaning accountability.

    Accountability is all well and good. However, that’s about me asking someone else to hold me accountable…to meet me for a workout…or remind me I’m avoiding sugar as I salivate over the dessert menu.

    What accountability is NOT is someone who doesn’t know me very well making assumptions about what’s going on in me heart and trying to impose their standards of behavior onto me.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. There are christians out there who consider sexual sin the only “real” sin they need to worry about – and they become obsessed with it. This woman needs to learn about the Biblical mandate for healthy opposite sex friendships which she currently has no grid for in her limited viewpoint about all contact with the opposite sex being a breeding ground for lust, and it sounds like SHE is the one who is not being vulnerable with her heart – she wants to impugn others with some sort of sexual sin but what about the pride in her heart that makes her want to be over other people?

    Please make sure she reads this blog and its comments. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for the follow! Yes! I have thought humorously that I could commit any number of sins, I could have said hey I’m about to go heist a bank, down too many drinks, and cuss like a sailor, and punch a few people including you and she would only say I was lusting and I would say yes but only for this awesome craft beer and vintage wine. 😉😂
      I’ve been in such a place of grief that it would be a loss for me to push aside half the humans just because they are male, my help and friendship has come from sisters and brothers and I am thankful, because I need all the encouragement I can get. 😀

      Liked by 1 person

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