I ran into the quote by George MacDonald and later the one by C.S. Lewis and lastly A.W. Tozer’s and it struck the core of me. Then I reflected and realized my pastor had also mentioned the congregation gathering for prayer soon. The combination of those four things got me thinking.
There is quite often this nudge, this draw to pray or to praise and sometimes I do. Prayer is much easier when I’m with other believers, there is His overwhelming presence and I’m drawn in despite myself. By myself it’s not so easy more than half the time in the stillness of the morning, or the quietness of late evening I don’t. I think to myself in the very heart of me “but He didn’t answer. Not only didn’t He answer but I feel set up, like He knew He wasn’t going to answer the way I needed the way everyone involved needed.”
“’Knock and [the door] shall be opened.’ But does knocking mean hammering and kicking the door like a maniac? And there’s also ‘To him that hath shall be given.’ After all, you must have a capacity to receive, or even omnipotence can’t give. Perhaps your own passion temporarily destroys the capacity.” (C.S.Lewis, A Grief Observed, Chapter 3)
Sometimes when I feel the nudge to pray I say in my mind, “But You didn’t, so no thank you, forget it I’m not coming near in prayer not after You didn’t answer. I’m not coming near with the prayer that doesn’t request anything and only wants to be in Your presence. I don’t feel like it now since You didn’t pour out what I so desperately needed. I’m certainly not making any requests only to be devastatingly disappointed and then to be angry in that disappointment.”
I prefer thinking to praying, but surely there is thinking prayer and a place where one can turn one’s thoughts into a sort of prayer.
I wonder what would happen on the inside of me if I would just let go and pray or praise when He beckons me. I know He has sustained and strengthened me. He has overwhelmingly went before me and given peace and a way through some bad circumstances and the subsequent pain, anxiety and almost hopelessness. Maybe the letting go and dropping into prayer is gradual, maybe it will come almost all at once. This I know He has grace for me.