I’m coming to the conclusion that it was a wanting for connection and that he neglected that on purpose to control me, to control my emotional state, yet he could be charming and I loved him, adored him, I expected it to all work out. 
When our son was six weeks old we went to a dress shop, B moss, I  had received some cash from my mil, in hopes to buy a dress, it was prom season, I had trouble finding one, I finally did it was blue it was beautiful, it was long down to my feet.  I remember thinking it’s a wee bit low cut but that’s fine I’m married and it’s kinda for him, I emphasise it was not bad at all!This was BMoss after all!  I tried it on and came out expecting him to say “wow!” instead he raved, “No wife of mine is going to wear that!” He was loud, I was crying and confused, he was loud in front of everyone, people were trying not to stare. I put the dress back. I said I was sorry. He was cold and unapologetic about it. I was a blue jean, tea shirt kind of girl and yet disappointed that all my dresses would have to be “churchy”.It made no sense but  I complied. I thought it was my fault that I had become too sensitive since the baby was born. I had the baby blues and looking back wonder if it wasn’t in part because he had the ability to help more, to be understanding, to understand I needed him more, instead he distanced himself, he left me at the door crying when I wanted his support for a day after his week off was up. He said he had one more week of vacation left and he needed to save that day of vacation to visit his dad and was angry with me for being needy.  He didn’t want to understand and come closer, he was never sorry. He didn’t say “Hey I’ll  make it up to you Saturday or Sunday” or anything of that nature, he became angry. He only wanted what he wanted not what I wanted and I tried to emotionally live off what he wanted. 
When I inadvertently made a human mistake,when I  was forgetful or tired He treated it like it was sin. When I exaggerated or misheard and repeated something not exact, and I’m saying in the positive, if I played something up a little he accused me of lying. I had to be careful, walk on eggshells about how I communicated things. It was allways me saying “I’m sorry”. He was never wrong, never needed to apologize. If he would only apologize and make things up in a meaningful way if it was something he couldn’t help. I felt accused and belittled for having the baby blues, I ended up defending myself and explaining the widespread ordinary thing called postpartum blues. 

I thought he would follow suit if I maybe pressed for the connection I wanted with him. I never wanted constant attention I’m the type of person who likes a little space, time for my own thoughts so I never thought I was in any way overbearing I wanted some of reading the same books, walking, conversation about deep or homey things. I thought when I expressed this need he would oblige and then find he enjoyed it and we would have a connecting realationship, he ignored me instead or  said his job kept him too busy. I understood that he was busy or tired, I only expected sometimes not all the time. When I would try to talk he would purposely turn up the television.  I felt like our time and space was invaded much too often by  television.  Most things I wanted him to do with our son I would have mostly to do, he missed things with our son, he did teach our son to play chess and taught him well. He taught me to play chess too. There was some good here but it was too sparse and he rarely took opportunities to connect. I felt guilty for expecting too much but it seemed like he should play legos and teach our son to ride a bike, and play soccer with him some of the time, he went to most of the games, I began to think it odd that I could have fun and connect conversationally with people including our son, even though he was little,but not my husband. I wanted time with him in hopes that we could start to connect, he seemed to want time with me also.

I tried to be easy to get a long with and empathetic about his disconnect with his dad and his hard job. There was a lot of good in our marriage, we worked out together, we went to church together, we had a Saturday job together, I can’t have bitter grapes and say it was all bad; there was a nagging lonely lack of connection that I couldn’t fix. he wanted to talk about theological things, religion, he was harsh towards others in terms of their beliefs or lack thereof, they were unchosen, reprobate, going to hell, and he said he had fantasies of being this angel who threw them into hell,  yet he could mix up his own hodgepodge of Christian beliefs for himself. We rarely had  a heart to heart conversation, rarely things homey, it always turned to his religious views. I have a sense of humour and a playfulness, he never wanted to play or tease.  One time I wanted a snowball fight,  he became angry and refused to play, I was in tears and apologized to him for tossing a snowball at him while he was shoveling snow. I was crushed that I could not play with him. I needed those sorts of things. He left a clean pair of underwear on the floor I playfully tossed it on his head and said “hey put that away”. He pushed me down on the floor and roughly forced it on my head and yelled and raved and said to never do that again,that it reminded him of how he was picked on growing up and how insecure I was for doing that and how much he hated the people he went to school with. In tears I apologized and even bought him an I’m sorry card that day. I had to be careful about showing affection with humour. I never remember him apologizing for anything, he was always right. He only would say “sorry” as a form of superficial politeness for holding doors or something  of that nature.

He rarely helped with domestic things. I felt like a single parent, I blamed his job and tried to give him all the space he wanted.  When he had two weeks or three weeks off I still felt disconnected even though intimacy seemed good, it was a way to connect,I remember thinking we do this but cannot connect on a conversational level, nor a mutual working together, making decisions, plans level either,  why?  I did most of the work around the house including his household work, I took the trash, I did a lot of the mowing etcetera. He did mostly shovel snow. I washed the cars. I changed the oil in the lawnmower. I like doing those things, I grew up doing all sorts of things work wise, but I was getting overwhelmed with doing everything. It didn’t matter to me what he helped with I only needed a little help. I  also worked part time to help out financially. If I was truly too sick to go to work he would get upset and try to make me go, even if I barely missed, he would yell at me about how I would lose my job. Work was important to him.  I had a decision to make for our young son, concerning where to attend school and once concerning a medical problem, he  yelled and said he was the head of the house and that I needed to obey him, that I was testing God if I didn’t obey him, when it was so obvious those decisions were best that I made since I knew our son. And wow were they right decisions , a closer school that was even better. The wrong diagnosis and prescription that would have been harmful if I hadn’t  noticed something was up and got a second opinion for our healthy kid, I did what anyone else paying  attention would do.  He rarely prayed for me, there were times I wanted held more and I was lonely a lot. He criticized me for feeling lonely, he treated my lonliness like a spiritual problem, so I was afraid to mention it. We were attending a  church where I made some friends and soaked up some Precept and Beth Moore bible studies. I was reading, C.S. Lewis, Brother Laurence, Beth Moore, J.R.R. Tolkien and others. I wanted so desperately to read a book with him, that I took a group at church through C.S. Lewis’s Mere Christianity just to get him to read it with me. He read it but never got in a grove to read with me he read books that were little known and written by Jack Chick, Rebecca Brown, some Wyatt dude and some others; he disagreed with quite a bit of their theology but kept their attitude. I unfortunately mirrored some of his judgemental attitudes toward people. He was harsh with people. I was getting judgemental towards others and becoming a know it all, I’m still repented and saddened by some of my attitudes.   I stated at times that it didn’t seem as if anyone I knew who was Pentecostal or like was demon possessed he said it was because he hadn’t told them, once he told them they were accountable and would notice they were possesed. I found that a bit odd.  I tried to talk to one of the pastors of our church about my disconnect with my husband, he brushed me off.  I think I was too confused to explain properly. The leadership at our church became fluff oriented and feeling disatified and spiritually starved, we started attending elsewhere, it was a wonderful church, Free Methodist in affiliation yet non-denominational. We had been married twelve years. My husband seemed to be catching some connectiveness from others and things were fairly well, I had tons of defensive hope. I knew when his job was better, when he caught up on some sleep, if I was better at communication with him, if I told him plainly what I wanted in our realationship, I wrote it down in a letter. I asked plainly for him to walk with me some, to read with me, to pray with me, to bond more with our son. I was brushed off and ignored, I was afraid to ask too often but every couple weeks or months I would say “hey I need this”, he would either not answer or say He was too busy, too tired. I thought perhaps he couldn’t understand, perhaps he was ADD or a little autistic. The church we went to was diverse with variation He clamed up after I said a couple times that the demonic possession thing was silly and look at the wonderful people in our church who believed in the baptism of the Holy Spirit,  there was this family and that couple, and that individual and they were warm wonderful people. He didn’t say anything so I assumed he agreed with me, and it was a religious faze he had grown out of.I questioned his cognitive skills and thought maybe he couldn’t help it. Frustrated with the lack of connection and silence I became what he called “critical” in an attempt to connect and do life together.  

When our son was in fourth grade I decided to  homeschool a year. It was fun and bonding we were getting along famously with it, but i hadn’t told my mother in law since she was vehemently against anything out of the box when it came to education. He was fine with it but on the way back from her house where we hadn’t said a word he began teasing me and provoking me and belittling me and yelling at me for not saying something. He said he was going to tell and kept ranting about how much trouble there would be. Our son was in the back seat. I felt annoyed and pulled over and tried to talk, he kept yelling about it we were both loud I’m sure. I never dreamed he would use this old story to say I hit him, but now that’s what he does he brings up this and spins it into saying I hit him. I whacked him on the back a few times with my hands in frustration it was much like the time in The Dick Van Dyke show where Laura gets over emotional and whacks Rob on the back and cries except Rob wasn’t  being a dick, pun intended. He now uses this story to say I hit him.How could he? It seems utterly unmanly to do such a thing. At the time I never dreamed he would use this so he could lie without lying. Our son thought it was funny, I even thought it was funny. I never dreamed. 

  Now that I look back he  was attempting to brainwash me and it was well planned out for control and drama, and maybe to prove himself as some sort of leader. It’s like he was a cult and I was his only follower. 

 We had less and less to talk about as I grew spiritually, some days he was extremely quiet and would only say a couple sentences, I blamed his job,    I partially blamed myself for going along with his odd spin on spiritual things in the beginning of our relationship. Sometimes I  thought perhaps  he just didn’t get things and maybe that’s why He negated the more difficult things to me, straightening  out phone bills, parent/teacher conferences etcetera.  He always told me He loved me and that we were perfect for each other, so that surely meant things were good, right.  At this point all the problems seemed normal to me, they didn’t seem like problems at all since I “knew” things would get better. 


One thought on “Marriage, Defensive Hope (Wishful Thinking) 2

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