I’m trying to piece this together, so as to obtain more peace, when that which I love ,following Jesus, was used against me. I did not see it clearly it was woven in with some things that were true, yet exaggerated to ths point they weren’t true in the least, why things were said and spun, scripture was totally wrung out of context and used in a dramatic controlling way. I went to a Charasmatic church when we met and while it was true things were getting out of hand and a bit crazy theology wise there, except for the youth group, the youth pastoring couple were full of wisdom. I see where he used the instability of my church’s doctrine as an inroad to control me and put fear in me if there wasn’t that he would have found something else to control me, it was all about thought control, he said because I held some of the beliefs of my church I was demon possessed, the stomach ache, demons, my emotions, demons all this was demons, if he did something that caused me angst like turning up music or watch television when I wanted conversation or to do something fun together those negative emotions I was experiencing was blamed on demons. I kinda believed it, however not fully. He said my church was out to brainwash me that they were a cult, that the things they practiced especially the speaking in tongues would lead to demonic possession. For the first time in my life I began to doubt God as in His very existence, so I found it “helpful” that the existence of satan was true, because that “proved” God existed. He rarely prayed with me except to pray away the demons. He forbid me to go to my church, I did one evening for a potluck, he became very upset about that. He told me to never tell anyone about my demon possession because they would not understand. That was a red flag moment, but i pushed it aside. I loved him, he complemented me a lot and I felt like he was leading me.
I remember vividly thinking one time “If I ever change my mind about this demon possession thing and if I no longer believe this spiritual stuff he’s feeding me and those chapters in a Rebecca Brown book will our realationship crumble because it seems like that’s what it is built on, nah he can’t be that serious”, and I pushed that thought aside. I adored him, loved him, was completely swept off my feet, we were quite physical but saving for marriage, I thought the saving proved we had a good realationship. I thought he was the One and if I missed him, I would never love and be unmarried, so I jumped right in to the realationship. We dated four months and I moved in on a still saving for marriage basis, we married four months after I moved in. All through the realationship he was entitled, almost always what movie he wanted and what he wanted to talk about religion, he did let me chose part of the restaurants. I catered to him. He told me he wanted to go back to college and become a preacher. He never did, but he worked extremely hard at his job, I had dreams for him and wanted something better for him but decided that was okay as long as we could connect especially, and if he would pray with me and read the same book and do some things I wanted to do together. I wanted biblically based conversation, it was always him going on about the dangers of Charasmatic type churches always exaggerated and making fun, I joined him in it, and still if I had feeling or emotions it was blamed on demons bothering me. Conversations in a group were always better than if it was just him and I because I could be free with what I felt and not asked if demons were bothering me. We visited a lot of churches and for the most part I picked. I had our first child less than two years after we married. When pregnant I decided to grow up and leave the silliness of “demons” behind me, I no longer played his games and I hid my emotions around him especially my emotions about spiritual things about Jesus, any struggle I had spiritually would be surely misunderstood by him and used to control me.
I longed for connection and fun, I thought he would follow suit into regular fun life if I expressed that, I thought maybe if I pressed for connection I wanted with him, reading the same books, walking, conversation about deep othings or fun things, that he would oblige and then find he enjoyed it and we would have a connecting realationship, he ignored me instead.