For whatever reason this morning while reading Peralandra, maybe it was the richness of the atmosphere, maybe it was Ransom’s aloneness, I’m still at the beginning of the book, a book I’ve read countless times. My thoughts broke out of the book and into this within myself, the weather I enjoyed, I enjoyed it myself, it still remains, the walks, the favorite books read and re-read, their wisdom, what I learned from the the vividness of the movies they created in my head, I enjoyed with friends, with myself, you never joined me. The  bible you bought me you didn’t read with me unless others were present, the books I received from you, you didn’t crack open with me to delight in them with me. But they remain, all the moments of fun and learning I carved out for myself is still there, because you rarely joined doesn’t mean it wasn’t building me into the person I am. The nursery I got ready, the late nights. The feeling even more alone because I could not join you as much while taking care of a mnewborn, the confusion and waiting for you to join me, the joining that never happened, or when it did only got my hopes up to be let down. The excuses you made, “I work hard, it’s not my cup of tea.” being your favorites. To be left looking at stars myself after being told “It’s not my cup of tea to watch stars with you”that stung me with loneliness. You went inside to watch television, you stayed less than a minute. You wouldn’t walk with me unless it was part of your workout routine, “I don’t want to over train, it’s not my cup of tea.”  Almost everything I wanted to do together I was denied, yet I joined you and I waited and I hoped and I prayed. You prided yourself in religion but you rarely prayed with me. Everything I read, I studied, all the prayers said were said by myself. The child, I raised the two little ones I’m still raising I felt alone in. For all the times I felt alone and you did not join me in, all things of my heart that I  was alone in, I feel greatful for, I feel greatful because they are mine and because they are mine they remain. It you would have joined me more I would feel the sting of the words you said later in our realationship, I would have felt the controlling  drama of religiosity  and skewed view of God you portrayed early in ou realationship and you were not able to grow out of. Yes I was lonely “You and your loneliness”, was said as a put down from you. “If you had Jesus Christ in your life you wouldn’t be lonely ” was said religiously. I am thankful you didn’t join me because now those things remain as mine. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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